Before This Year Ends Pt.1

~Some beginning to another end~

Another year comes to an end. No brainer. This felt like a set of totally different timelines. I look back at the start; January, February were a different story, not exciting or anything.Bore. Honestly march wasn’t any eventful either, as far as I remember. However April started a saga of events that I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. It’s a story that I never wish to tell anyone but a story that will never wish to forget.

If there is anything I have learned this year is that sometimes we might think we are in control or we are likely to control but it might not turn out that way and another thing is we or maybe just me, don’t ever learn a lesson. Throwing ourselves into an abyss with all the knowledge of the drawbacks and disadvantages. I’ll speak for myself, there is a saying in Hindi ‘ankho deke ke zehar khana’ and let me tell you am very fond of doing this stupidity at times, aware of all the dire consequences yet I’ll go with the flow like a dead fish.

Maybe, my lonely self seeks crazy stories to write about later, but that costs me my mental health and whatever is left of it. My social life isn’t that great, am not an anti-social person neither do I have hard time talking with people. But my social skills aren’t what we are talking about here.

I learned a few things about people this year, promises come with an expiry date. What someone said during a certain time period might not last long enough. I guess people change, their circumstances change or perhaps their feelings for you. It’s all too complicated to write out without spilling too much tea.

Also, we chase things that are beyond our hold. Maybe it’s a human thing, I don’t know; whatever it is, it’s destructive to peace. Knowing that no matter badly you want something, not matter how badly you want things to roll out a certain it can never happen. You can only have it in your imagination, in your dream or in fiction wattpad story.

But looking at the bright side, whenever I have cried over something that wasn’t in my hold, after a few years I came to realisation that this wasn’t something I would have wanted in the long term. Maybe certain things only hurt for certain period or maybe you too change with the passage of time.

Whatever the case is, I hope this time, this helpless feeling too goes away.


It’s a cold place miles away from people I know, civilization I was part of

There is eerie silence, once I used to find solace in it.

Now it’s uncanny and hollow.

For everyone I once knew are very far away, faded into thin air each time I turn back to look.

Oh, how long have I wondered in these paths, each time they surprise me with a new turn.

Some distance far, I see a light, on inspecting it closer, I see my dreams, and little bits of my hope burning.

All my composure now drains, my feet are cold, and face is paled.

I want to turn and never believe this is true

But my feet are glued and there is no way I can turn away from this truth

What shall I do now, I hear screaming everywhere now.

The air is so cold, should I let my misery warm me up, or shall I force my way through this prickly icy patch.

To be continued

Living in A Paradoxically Mind

‘All these paradoxes, bring some ease’

My soul longs for something, always. It’s dark cold winter night, nearly midnight. All I hear are the barking dogs and silent screams in my head. The more I look for distractions the more am drawn towards new enigma. Im here but slowly fading away. Worried that a life that I have will go towards the ruins that I badly wanted to run away from.

Today was a lonely night, lonely — not because there was no to confined into, not that there has ever been someone in the first place. Because my mind started to go numb and all that I had left in me was engulfed in a rather mysterious whispers, reminding me how far I am from myself.

I feel so much but I have so little to say, I have so much to think but so little to show. Constantly at run from everything and everyone, when sometimes all I want to do is stay.

Miles To Go

”Miles to go before I find out where I want to go”

It’s been a while ever since I have written my feelings out, not that I haven’t had felt anything in a while.

Probably the last few months have been the most over whelming for me, from finishing college to finding someone, it has been a lot. But so much is still the same wreck. This dreaded feeling of entrapment just does not go away, not even with time. Each day feels like a stab to the heart, reminding me how a life I had imagined is nothing more but figment of my imagination and diary entry of my childhood. I don’t know if there is anyone to blame for all that kill me. Not that anyone, or some people very close to me would understand.

We all are bounded by certain things that can’t be controlled and not necessarily all of that is God’s plan or destiny’s play. Some of it is certain boundaries imposed on us. Telling us to follow paths we don’t even want to look that. Though much can’t be done for what has been gone, the present isn’t much of cupcakes and roses either, but it surely can lead to a better future, a future unbothered by someone else wishes, a future carved by me, where each day won’t be a day of suffocation.

Over the years I always lived by the same hope and maybe today I see some light, though this doesn’t lessen any of my worries, or provide any sort of assurance for what is yet to come but rather a moment of relief, this won’t last forever.

Each day is a struggle of it’s own,

All alone with too much to feel

and no one to turn to.

Pretending to be unbothered,

When so much is up the sleeves.

All in hope that someday,

I’ll get to be me.

Doors of The Past

“Stepping towards a new door to open, turning back around at the past door knocking”.

Another year added to this life, yet the same story each year. It is rather a hard task explain exactly what goes on in the mind without giving away to much of the tea. Starting off at rumination: Most of the days gone by aren’t even relevant now or won’t appear relevant to most people. But there are things in life that no matter how small and unimportant they seem to be, leave around impacts lasting around a lifetime.

Call it ‘A trial of random midnight crises’; It was a nice silence that midnight winter hour, the only voices I could hear were some faded regrets and some vivid memories of the past years. It felt like each word that I could hear my subconscious mind say was piercing my heart and soul. Catechizing me on all my decisions and actions. Catechizing me about the future that lies ahead of me. Catechizing me on my existence.

It was darkness, I was engulfed in; perhaps, darkness that I concocted for myself, perhaps, darkness that I concocted by letting myself go.

Each time, I sit down with myself, trying to make out of this unpleasant life, thinking about moving forward; something from the past has to tap my shoulder and drag my mind back to everything I always want to forget and erase completely from the back of my mind.

It is not people that I want to forget, it is what people made me feel that I want to forget‘. These people ever never strangers to me and never will they ever be, they will always be here, reminding me everything all over again. Although, am accustomed to this feeling and these emotions but there are days that I can’t stop thinking about it, wondering if I could have done things different, maybe could have been in a better scenario. Not the best of the world but just a little better.

I learn an lesson every time, each time, maybe I should slowly let if flow away and it blow away in the wind…………………………….

The Isolation Within

~words become your friends, piles of people is what you turn and a pen is all you hold to~

What could a be easier way to letting out all the bottle up issues constantly battling inside of you; on a sheet of paper; lifeless yet so patient, something that will keep everything confined within itself without passing the slightest bit of judgments and mockery. Nothing to let out all your unspeakable baggage. {Make sure all this never fall in the wrong hands, though}

Life will not remain the same for you once you give up on people and they reduce to a mere piece of some entertainment. You’ll wake up everyday and go about doing your daily routine, surrounded by people who might be friends, giggling and having a good time or simply chatting about your work; all of this yet something isn’t right, within you are falling apart, constantly lost from the sheer reality, floating somewhere in your thoughts, hopping to find an escape. No one knows how you actually are, they cannot see it through the facade you have been putting on.

Surrounded by someone yet isolated from within, who do you turn to find some peace for a while at least, definitely a pile of paper, it lays quietly staying there until you are finished writing down what you might wouldn’t have told another soul, maybe because it was plain unspeakable or because the judgments, the fear of the words going out was to much to handle. Whatever the reason might been have, you a little better than before, healing on your own from wounds that might have not been there in the first place. Keep telling your stories to these sheets, maybe someday they will talk back to you.

~never let out something to someone who might go telling the world about it~

Broken hearts and sad thoughts

The same story every time, how much I try, My mind finds a way back. My heart comes lurking around back.

It’s been a while, a while since you have been long gone. A while since all the hope has faded away, Knowing our ways can’t be mend, because that isn’t meant to be.

It is a pang of hurt, realization, that the time we had is over. Those juncture are gone and perhaps only figments of it are cherished in my evocation. But that is okay.

I live with no regrets on some days, Die with regrets on other days.

All this while, my thoughts come running back to you. No emotions, no feelings, just thoughts of you.!!

The complexity of thoughts

I can’t help it; it’s resentment maybe, or maybe dead emotions that never left. It’s secret that I keep carrying, and keeps growing year by year. A never ending cycle, of resentment that keeps coming back.

Secrets I wish to let go of it, but where do I let them go off. It is something that I want to let go of but also something that I wish to burn with me.. It keeps killing me, I forget about it sometimes but it comes back with lightening speed, burning the little life left in me.

All this won’t wash away easily, it only grows deeply. It is suffocating me. Strangling me everyday. Snatching the little left of me.

I can’t help it; it’s a dark cloud growing over me. Flashbacks that haunt as nightmares. Nightmares that I see during the days too.

A part of life, that has been stolen from me, that I will never come back, from where the resentment starts, from where the secrets begin. A part that can’t forgotten no matter how hard I try. I guess it is something i’ll be living with.

Humanity: Gone With The Wind

Human beings,homosapiens, evolved mammals ,creation of the Gods; Call it whatever you want. Most of the human population refers humans to be a beautiful creation. Now, I wouldn’t argue you with that. Our population as achieved a great number of milestones, so many that, it would be a hard task mentioning all of them. Apart from milestones we have a lot more to offer, we possess emotions, better understanding, intelligence, rational thinking, we are civilized.

Civilized, are human beings of the present century actually civilized, well most of us are. No wonder the world has not ended with a great destructive apocalypse(corona virus might fill this in). Of all the shit going on in this world, there was this particular case that triggered me the most.

A 70 year old monk(Sadhu in Hinduism) was beaten up by a mob of hundred or more people.Along with him another monk was beaten. Both of them didn’t survive this incident. Reading this isn’t as triggering as the video that I saw. A huge crowd gather around and the poor 70 year old man, held the hand of a Policeman, believing that he would protect him from that mob. But did that happen..?

No, it didn’t. Want did that policeman do… well he handed over that 70 year old to the mob and simply let him be killed. In that video it is heard a man shouting “beat him beat him”. Beat a 70 year old man, over an entire village to beat 3 people.

The back story to this something that isn’t clear. Who are the people behind this- well of course human beings, human beings that cannot be compared to animals because they have higher class then this so called evolved mammals.

I wonder how that policeman could have watched that. How can you live with knowing the fact that you let a innocent soul die, someone who had faith that you would protect him. Would he have done the same if it was his family at stake.?This policeman didn’t let one guy down, he let humanity down.

And that mob… is it so easy to kill someone so helpless.? Did not the thought of this could happen to your beloveds, not cross your mind.

Human beings are coming to a extreme point of disgust. If this keeps up, humans and humanity; both will be gone with the wind.